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Selamat Ulang Tahun

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I rarely post something about my love life on social media, or even on this blog. Whenever I shared something here, my boyfriend would tease me that he never made an appearance in my stories. I would just smile, and we’d both laugh. It became a small inside joke between us. It’s not that I don’t want to share my happiness. On the contrary, I actually enjoy sharing little moments of my life. But there are two reasons. First, my last relationship didn’t work out. I used to post about us quite often, and when we broke up, those posts suddenly felt heavy. I felt embarrassed, almost as if I had shown too much of something that didn’t last. Since then, I’ve become much more careful about my love life and about whom I’m currently seeing. Second, I cannot control others’ reactions after seeing my posts: assumptions, jealousy, unnecessary comments. But that’s social media anyway. You post, you bear the risk. There were many times I wanted to share something about my relationship, but I en...
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2025: Press the Reset

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2025 has been a CRAZY year for me, both good and bad. Looking back, I realize that all of them became valuable lessons to absorb, process, and eventually grow from. 1. Traumatic events Yep, I started the year with traumatic events. It was mentally draining. What I felt was a heaviness in my chest, humiliation, and a deep sense of disrespect. Day after day, I found myself questioning my values. Do people really treat others like this? Do I still belong here? Is it just me, or is it the post-colonial mindset that happened very subtly? As I moved through each day, one thing became clear: some of my values no longer align here, the place where I grew up. 2. Going to therapy One of the best decisions I made this year was going to therapy. Nowadays, people in my country are more aware of mental health issues, especially among younger generations. They are more open to talking about it, and some no longer feel ashamed to seek professional help. But still, deciding to seek one on my own requir...
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Three Months: Too complex terms?

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  –English version available below– Moin! Memasuki bulan ketiga di Jerman, mulai kerasa sibuk dan perlu adaptasi, terutama aspek pembelajaran. Pertama, otak dorman ini perlu dipanasin lagi karena udah lama ga sekolah. Terakhir sekolah itu 2014 :) Kedua, adaptasi sama sistem pendidikan di sini yang beda banget sama di Indo. Contohnya, di program gua, tiap minggu ada PR baca paper, yang nantinya didiskusiin di kelas. Nah, ada satu paper yang lumayan menarik–sekaligus mengusik. Papernya ngebahas tentang penggunaan istilah "Sustainability" dan "Socio-ecological Transformation" (SET). Intinya, di paper itu bilang bahwa akhir-akhir ini istilah Sustainability semakin marak dipake, gaungnya dimana-mana. Tapi di dunia akademik itu sendiri malah dirasa kurang cocok, karena katanya kurang mampu merefleksikan kompleksitas yang sesungguhnya terjadi di masyarakat. Bahkan, istilah ini seringkali dipake sama oknum yang justru action-nya ga sustainable. Lalu, istilah apa yang lebih ...
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Moin! My First Month in Germany

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--English version available below-- Moin! Ini adalah sapaan khas dari Jerman bagian utara, termasuk di Kiel. Tepat sebulan lalu, gua tiba di Sailing City ini buat lanjut S2. Mimpi besar yang menjadi nyata--sampai sekarang pun masih sering ga percaya. Sebelum berangkat ke Jerman, gua berniat update blog secara berkala. Ga yang rutin banget, tapi setidaknya ada cerita yang gua bagi. Waktu kerja di Atambua dulu, gua nyesel ga rajin ngepost. Alhasil cuma sedikit yang bisa dikenang lewat tulisan. Sedangkan pengalaman yang gua dapet waktu itu buanyak banget. Dan kalo nulisnya udah kelamaan, emosi atau perasaannya udah ga akurat lagi. So, ya, let's see! Oke, sebulan pertama di Jerman, apa aja yang udah terjadi? 1. Susah cari apart Seminggu pertama di Kiel dipenuhi sama agenda visit tempat tinggal. Kebanyakan landlord minta visit langsung, walaupun ada juga yang bisa visit secara online. Btw, Kiel (dan beberapa kota di Jerman) lagi housing crisis. Syulit banget dapetin tempat tinggal layak...
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Hati Kecil

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Bulan Juni, gua ketemu Kinan, dan seperti biasa, kami ngobrol panjang lebar update kehidupan. Ternyata papa Kinan abis kecelakaan, dan mengharuskan Kinan urus ini itu di rumah sakit selama semingguan. Menuju akhir cerita, kami baru sadar sesuatu (yang bikin Kinan sampe merinding). Jadi, mundur ke dua bulan sebelumnya, kami merencanakan liburan ke Manila awal Juni. Sekitar H-sebulan, gua chat Kinan buat konfirm ulang. Di situ Kinan bilang dia ragu akan mampu ke Manila, dan menjelaskan alasannya. Gua memahami dan terima penjelasan Kinan. Kami ga jadi ke Manila. Ternyata, di tanggal yang seharusnya kami liburan, papanya Kinan kecelakaan. Seketika kami lega (walau batal liburan), karena ternyata ada insiden tidak terduga ini, dan Kinan butuh standby buat keluarganya. Kinan bilang, waktu itu dia merasa bahwa dia ga akan pergi awal Juni, tapi susah banget buat jelasin "kenapa"nya secara logis. Lalu gua bilang, "K, itu namanya hati kecil. Hati kecil kita tuh kaya udah ngasih ta...
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33

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My 33 was both painful and delightful. Life pushed me to grow into an adult without ever having read the handbook. Yet, I feel deeply grateful for the presence of my closest people, who have given me endless support. Cheers to the twin age! 1. I broke my phone while traveling. Thankfully, I had a second one with me, but the WhatsApp chat was empty, like a blank sheet of paper. Strangely, I felt light and peaceful, as if it was an unexpected reset I didn’t know I needed. 2. A lesson I learned while sorting my travel photos: I wish I had taken more videos than pictures. That was a gem. 3. Acne scars are taking longer to fade away :( plus more wrinkles. 4. Also, I can't do a 2-day overseas trip anymore. It's too short and my body cant' keep up.  5. There was a moment when I got so pissed I couldn’t even complain anymore. I think that was my highest level of being pissed. 6. Decision fatigue is real. So many things to remember. 7. I’m thankful for all the advice I receive, but ...
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Sepuluh Tahun Sejak Meja Pertama

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--English version available below-- Atambua, April 2015 Ini adalah meja kerja pertama gua, tepat sepuluh tahun yang lalu. Gua kerja sebagai staf Monev (Monitoring dan Evaluasi) di salah satu NGO anak. Lokasinya di Atambua, Kabupaten Belu, Provinsi Nusa Tenggara Timur. Atambua ini kota perbatasan sama Timor Leste. Flashback dikit, waktu dapet telepon buat wawancara kerja, HRnya nyebut nama gua dan konfirm ulang “...apply untuk posisi Belu?” Gua ngeblank beberapa detik. Aseli, gua lupa total pernah apply posisi ini, saking banyaknya lamaran yang gua masukin. Maklum, waktu itu baru lulus kuliah, jadi semua dicoba. Yang penting dapet kerja dulu , begitu pikir gua. Setelah telepon ditutup, gua langsung buka Google Maps, dan cari Belu itu di mana. Dan… APA? NTT? Bola mata pun membesar. Yang ga akan gua lupa, setelah wawancara, gua keluar gedung… lalu nangis. Langsung telepon sahabat gua. Gua nangis karena wawancaranya lebih mirip ujian lisan matkul Monev sama dosen killer. Pertanyaan...
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