Sepuluh Tahun Sejak Meja Pertama

English version is available below.

Atambua, April 2015

Ini adalah meja kerja pertama gua, tepat sepuluh tahun yang lalu. Gua kerja sebagai staf Monev (Monitoring dan Evaluasi) di salah satu NGO anak. Lokasinya di Atambua, Kabupaten Belu, Provinsi Nusa Tenggara Timur. Atambua ini kota perbatasan sama Timor Leste.

Flashback dikit, waktu dapet telepon buat wawancara kerja, HRnya nyebut nama gua dan konfirm ulang “...apply untuk posisi Belu?” Gua ngeblank beberapa detik. Aseli, gua lupa total pernah apply posisi ini, saking banyaknya lamaran yang gua masukin. Maklum, waktu itu baru lulus kuliah, jadi semua dicoba. Yang penting dapet kerja dulu, begitu pikir gua. Setelah telepon ditutup, gua langsung buka Google Maps, dan cari Belu itu di mana. Dan… APA? NTT? Bola mata pun membesar.

Yang ga akan gua lupa, setelah wawancara, gua keluar gedung… lalu nangis. Langsung telepon sahabat gua. Gua nangis karena wawancaranya lebih mirip ujian lisan matkul Monev sama dosen killer. Pertanyaannya detail banget; tentang Theory of Change (ToC), indicators, dan data collection methods. Untungnya, malem sebelumnya gua sempet refresh materi kuliah. So far, gua merasa bisa jawab pertanyaan dengan baik, walaupun ada juga momen yang hah-heh-hoh.

Waktu dapet info bahwa gua lolos, gua masih agak kaget. Tapi abis itu ya seneng juga. AKHIRNYA. Setelah 75 loker gua layangkan. Pekerjaan ini jadi titik awal segalanya dalam hidup gua. Ah… tapi bagian itu kuceritakan lain waktu ya. Karena sungguh berkesan dan bisa puanjang.

 

Bekasi, April 2025

Akhir-akhir ini, banyak kejadian dalam hidup yang rasanya bikin sesak. Menghimpit dari segala arah. Sampai akhirnya sadar… Eh ini April? Dua ribu dua lima? Ternyata udah sepuluh tahun kerja. SEPULUH TAHUN. (Anyway, should I say congrats to myself?)

Setelah itu, gua jadi ngelamun dan refleksi. Apa aja ya yang gua dapet dari satu dekade berkarya (ceilaaah). Dan sebaliknya, apa aja yang udah gua sumbangkan dari kemampuan gua. Beneran berdampak ga tuh kaya Theory of Change, hahaha.

Tapi yang paling sering muncul justru pemikiran yang lebih dalam: Is this really the job that I want to do for the rest of my life? Yakin gua mau kerja kantoran kaya gini terus? Pertanyaan-pertanyaan ini selalu bikin gusar. Tapi juga bikin sadar, apa sih yang sebenernya gua mau? Saatnya buat jujur sejujur-jujurnya ke diri sendiri (ini yang sulit).

Kadang kalo lagi capek tuh rasanya mau nerusin bisnis keluarga aja. Sayangnya, keluarga gua ga punya bisnis apa-apa, hahaha. Yaudah kita berkebun aja.

 

Cuap-cuap satu dekade

Kerjaan:

1. Nerapin Theory of Change itu susah banget, terutama di level Impact. Kebanyakan mentok di level Output atau Capacity Change. Tentu banyak faktor yang menyebabkan hal ini. Tapi, di satu sisi, waktu nemu program yang bener-bener berdampak, rasanya seneng dan haru banget. Dan perasaan itu masih gua bawa sampai sekarang, buat jadi penyemangat di kala suntuk. Masih berhubungan sama ToC, punya program yang sustainable itu juga ga gampang, apalagi kalo dananya cuma cukup sampe durasi program + ga ada planning/strategi sustainability yang mumpuni. Jadinya ya capaian ga lebih dari angka-angka di atas kertas putih. Tapi, di sisi lain, membersamai benef buat tetap konsisten itu juga jadi tantangan tersendiri, terutama kalo ga ada insentif buat mereka. Buat kebutuhan dasar aja mereka masih sulit, apalagi disuruh fokus ke hal lainnya.
2. Participatory approach and inclusivity are essential. Selama kerja di NGO anak, gua belajar kalo kita mau bikin kegiatan tentang anak, ya libatin anak sejak perencanaan. Kalo mau ngadain acara bertema disabilitas, ya diskusi sama penyandang disabilitas. Ini ilmu yang berharga banget, sekaligus krusial, biar program bisa lebih tepat guna. Sayangnya, belum semua pihak sadar soal ini. Masih ada aja program yang, misalnya, nargetin Desa A tapi warganya ga diajak diskusi dulu, dan tau tau dateng mau bikin ini itu, contohnya di negara Wakanda.
3. Ternyata ga semua bisa diakomodasi. Sebagian besar kerjaan gua adalah monitoring program dan ngumpulin feedback. Feedback ini nantinya kita infoin ke tim terkait buat perbaikan di kegiatan mendatang. Kalo diakomodasi, that’s good. Kalo engga, ya gapapa sih. Gua paham, banyak faktor penentunya. Biasanya faktor terbesar soal biaya, kedua soal birokrasi. Mau ga mau pake skala prioritas, mana masukan yang perlu diutamain dulu. Which is not wrong. Tapi in the end of the day, jadi mikir aja, trus ngumpulin feedback buat apa dong kalo ga kepake?

 

Non-kerjaan:

1. Profesionalisme adalah koentji. Gua akuin ini sulit banget, apalagi budaya/iklim kerja di Indonesia yang belum semuanya mendukung ke arah ini. Tapi ini ga berlaku buat semua orang ya, balik ke value masing-masing. Kalo buat gua pribadi, punya batasan antara kerjaan dan kehidupan personal itu penting, biar kewarasan tetap terjaga.
2. Perlunya ruang kompensasi. Waktu gua konsul ke psikolog, ada satu hal yang menurut gua cukup menarik. Beliau bilang, “Kamu butuh ruang kompensasi. Lakuin kegiatan yang bikin happy, yang ngerasa jadi diri sendiri. Ini sifatnya prioritas dan ga bisa diganggu.” I was like… wow… so true. Jadi setelah seharian berjibaku–apapun itu–kita perlu punya ruang kompensasi/ruang sunyi buat diri kita sendiri. Thanks, Bu R!
3. Keep in touch sama orang-orang yang pernah beririsan. Hidup selalu penuh kejutan. Kita ga pernah tau bakal ketemu lagi atau engga di masa depan, entah dalam urusan kerjaan atau non-kerjaan. Menjaga silaturahmi bisa jadi tali penghubung, atau bahkan tali penyelamat yang tidak terduga. Tapi memang ga bisa menjangkau semua juga sih, jadi ya semampunya dan sengalirnya aja.

 

Pada akhirnya, refleksi paling penting dari semua ini mungkin sederhana: Be kind and be yourself.

--- 

Atambua, April 2015

This was my very first work desk, exactly ten years ago. I was working as an M&E (Monitoring and Evaluation) practitioner at an NGO focusing on child rights. The location was in Atambua, Belu District, Nusa Tenggara Timur (NTT) Province, right on the border with Timor Leste.

Flashback to the moment I got the call for a job interview. The HR person mentioned my name and confirmed “...applying for the position in Belu?” I was freezing. Honestly, I had completely forgotten I even applied for this role, because I sent out so many applications. At that time, I had just graduated, so I applied for everything. I need to get a job first, any job, that was my mindset. As soon as I hung up the phone, I opened Google Maps and looked up where Belu was. And… WHAT? NTT? My eyes widened in disbelief.

One thing I will never forget: after the interview, I left the building and… started crying. I immediately called my best friend. I cried because the interview felt more like an oral exam for an M&E course, with a terrifying lecturer. The questions were so detailed; about the Theory of Change (ToC), indicators, and data collection methods. Luckily, I learned and refreshed the course material the night before. So far, I felt like I answered the questions quite well, even though there were some I did not.

When I got the news that I had been accepted, I was honestly still a bit shocked. But then, happy, of course. Like, FINALLY. After sending out 75 job applications. This job became the starting point of everything in my life. Ah… but that part is a story for another time, because it’s so memorable and way too long.

 

Bekasi, April 2025

Recently, I had some unhappy experiences. My chest felt heavy. It felt like a wall pressing me from all directions. Until I realized… Wait, today is April? 2025? It marked a decade of work. A DECADE. (Anyway, should I say congrats to myself?)

After that, some thoughts lingered in my mind and made me reflect. What have I gained so far? And vice versa, what have I contributed from my abilities? Is it really impactful like the Theory of Change?

But, it turned out, the reflection was deeper than that. One thought that stayed on my mind for so long: Is this really the job that I want to do for the rest of my life? Am I sure to do office work like this continuously? These questions made me anxious, but also made me realize, what do I really want? Time to be honest to myself (but super hard).

Sometimes when it’s tiring, I feel like I just want to continue my family business. But, I realized, my family has no business at all, hahaha. Let’s just do gardening then.

 

A decade of work - A recap

Work:

1. Applying the Theory of Change is seriously hard, especially at the Impact level. Most programs get stuck at the Output or Capacity Change level. Of course, many factors. But, on the other side, when I witness a program that actually makes a real impact, it feels incredibly rewarding and touching. And I archive these feelings for my mood booster every time I feel unmotivated at work. Still talking about ToC, implementing a sustainable program is also extremely hard, especially if the funding only covers the program period + no appropriate plans/strategies on sustainability in place. In the end, the achievements often remain just numbers on paper. Also, I know how challenging it is to accompany beneficiaries to stay consistent, especially when there are no incentives. It’s already hard enough for them to meet basic needs, let alone focus on things beyond survival.
2. Participatory approaches and inclusivity are crucial. In my first job, I learned that if you are planning an activity for children, you need to involve children in the process. If you are organizing an event about disability, talk with people with disabilities. This is a very precious lesson to have the program run effectively. Unfortunately, not everyone gets it yet. I still found some programs, for example, target Village A but never speak to the people living there, then suddenly show up with a list of things they want to do.
3. Not everything can be accommodated. Most of my work is monitoring programs and collecting feedback. We then share this feedback with the relevant teams for future improvements. If the input gets considered, that’s good. If not, hmm… ya I get it. There are always limitations and I totally understand. Mostly, it was related to budget. Second, the complicated bureaucracy. This is where “priority” came in, which input should be accommodated first. Which is not wrong. But sometimes, I do wonder, So, what’s the point of me collecting all this feedback if it’s not going to be used?

 

Non-work:

1. Professionalism is key. I won’t lie, this is absolutely hard to practice, especially in Indonesia where the work culture is still a bit “traditional” and putting high respect for hierarchy. Of course, it depends on each person’s value. But for me personally, having a clear boundary between work and personal life is important, to make me stay sane.
2. The need for a compensation space. During a counseling session, my psychologist said something that really stuck with me, “You need a compensation space. Do stuff that makes you happy, that helps you feel like yourself. And this is a priority, cannot be skipped.” I was like… wow… so true. So, after battling through the day, whatever it is, we all need a quiet room where we feel like ourselves the most. Thanks, Bu R!
3. Stay in touch with people we have crossed paths with, because life is full of surprises. We never know who we will meet again in the future, in a work context or beyond. Maintaining connections can be beneficial, or even a lifeline (who knows). Of course, we can’t reach them all, so just do what we can.

 

And maybe, the ultimate lesson is… Be kind and be yourself.