Apology and Forgiveness

“What if I’m not survived?”

This thought constantly lingered on my mind when I did a self-isolation at home. I got positive for COVID-19 in early July—when the second wave hit Indonesia horribly. It was such a roller coaster condition, emotionally. My parents had it first but thanks to complete doses of the vaccine, we only had mild symptoms.

My mind was wandering to every corner of possibility, including the thought of me not being survived, and left me with no chance to apologize to people whom I did wrong in the past. I knew I will be fine and recover soon but I couldn’t lie that I’m afraid at that time. What if I suddenly have a hard breathing and then die? I realize that besides taking medication and doing self-isolation, the psychology of the patient is an important aspect to prepare for, because when it happens (got COVID-19), it was mentally exhausting to some extent.

One of the people I feel guilty about is my ex from college. And I know the universe has set up something when I met him a week ago out of blue. It’s been a very long time since we met. 8 years ago! We parted not in a good way back then and we haven’t spoken since. No heart-to-heart talk. No closure. Though I believe not all things need closure in life. Some are destined to leave unanswered as it is. Unfortunately, we didn’t have many moments to chit-chat that night, but at a glance, I could feel he was still kind like he used to be.

Over the past 8 years, I have learned a lot about relationships and everything that happened in my life taught me a valuable lesson. There were some moments when I realized what I was done to him in the past was not good. I was selfish and not mature enough to be in a relationship. This reflection process led me to an unusual experience when the day after we met, I cried all day long. I just couldn't stop my tears. The memories of my bad deed popped up again and it brought me a deep feeling of regret. I have never felt this regret in my life, so I was thinking that I should do something. Then I decided to write him a letter. It might make me a bit relieved. And it’s never too late to apologize.

He replied to my letter. It ended up that we both sincerely apologized, and we both sincerely forgave. We shared some updates about our life, too. I was totally relieved. But most of all, I never thought that apology and forgiveness can be this beautiful. It gives us a space to contemplate, to be grateful for everything we have, and to improve ourselves on our own way. We believe that the past is past and we can always have a chance to be a better person day by day. Thanks, F!

This song accompanied me when writing the letter: Choi Yuree - Wish


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