Morning Talk: Crossroads

I turned 30 this year. A life stage I was a bit scared to enter because I considered myself someone who is not mature enough yet as people at this age should have become. In the past few years, many things happened, and many things changed, especially my perspectives, insights, life values, and things I perceive life.

Four years ago, when I was 26, I wrote about Quarter Life Crisis (you can read it here). It just feels nice to be able to go back to old posts because I can recall what I was feeling at that time, what I was thinking, what made me insecure the most, how I perceived life, and how I valued myself and others.

In short, four years ago, I can say that I experienced QLC too; I saw my friends getting married one by one, or having remarkable achievements in their life, and honestly, I couldn't stop myself from not comparing. Like, Hey, I want it too! When my time comes? When the good things will happen to me?

So, what it's like to be 30?

We have our good and bad times

Do I still compare with others? Well, it's a yes to a small extent. I still do compare myself sometimes, but it's not about jealousy in a negative way. It's more like a new understanding that everyone has their own pace in living their life, along with their obstacles and blessings. People have their good and bad times, sometimes they post about it, and sometimes they don't. I have realized we are so easy to judge people based on what they show in the online world without knowing fully what they are actually facing. And those pre-assumptions might not be good for our mental health.

So, first, I limit myself to seeing only what I want to see (besides, I don't have that much time), and mostly it's about people I care about. Second, I don't know how the universe works on me but now I can be more chill when looking at someone's achievement or life update. The emotion that comes with is purely like, I'm happy for you.

The battle is between ourselves

The past four years changed so many things in my life. Lately, I have realized that the battle is not between me and other people, but between me and myself. Hahaha, I don't know how to say this, but I no longer pay much attention to what others are doing, and focus more on fighting within myself instead. For me, the battle is the crossroads. As we get older, we start facing crossroads and entering a stage where we should make important life decisions. What am I going to be? Is this what I truly want? Should I take this offer? Should I buy this house? Should I invest in this instrument? Is he a good man for me? What if I decide the wrong things?

Choices at crossroads are something that confuses me a lot. Thoughts and considerations are spinning around my head. So, I often take baby steps in deciding something. Sometimes, I let myself go with the flow and see where the tunnel ends. My choices might be wrong but whatever it is, I try to believe this is for the best. I also come to an understanding that my life is not perfect but in the end, I know everything is gonna be fine. Like mba Dee said in one of her interviews, "Semua ini hanya sementara."

One thing I also learned is the only person we can rely on is ourselves. That doesn't mean we are being selfish. We just realize we need to stand for ourselves first and believe we can go through it. Like my friend said, we just get better at handling things.

More happy memories to create

We often heard that as we get older, our friends get smaller. And yes, it's true. And because it's getting smaller, I want to create more memories with my closest people while I have time in this world, such as traveling with my best friends. Gratefully, it came true. I had a vacation with my friend and visited some good places, had a fine-dining experience, and celebrated special occasions like birthdays. It was truly meaningful for me as I could spend moments with people I love and who love me too. For the next, I hope I can spend quality time with my friends just like this and create more happy memories.

Living independently is nice

It's been a year since I moved out from home and started a new life in Depok, a city where I feel "home". Honestly, I didn't know where to go at that time, and Depok was the first thing I had on my mind. So, yeah, here I am, safe and sound. When I said life is full of surprises, this is one of them. I wrote a letter to myself: If I turn 30 and still live with my parents, I should move out soon. You know what, God really works in a mysterious way. I moved out one year earlier and later realized it might be His sign. So, how does it feels to live alone? Well, I think I will share it further in my 2022 reflection note. But one thing I know is... it's not that bad.


Latest vacation with my friend

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