Solitude

Beside self-love, there's one word that I began to hear frequently during my journey of healing. It’s solitude.

"Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. Solitude is desirable, a state of being alone where you provide yourself wonderful and sufficient company. Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, inner searching or growth or enjoyment of some kind. Deep reading requires solitude, so does experiencing the beauty of nature." (www.psychologytoday.com)

Last quarter of 2018, I went through a quietest phase in my lifethe same time I started my social media detox. The atmosphere around me was getting silent but I could accept it. I felt stable. I had less interaction outside, but deeper inside. The urge to going out regularly with friends became less, just waited for those who asked first or went out with the open-minded ones. I don't know if the solitude is the impact of the detox or not.

Most of the day, it's like a scene from a movie where someone stands quietly but people behind are in hurry. Life goes so fast but I realize I have a choice to not follow everything with same pace because I have my own. It then turned out that simple or small things somehow brought a pure happiness and I started enjoying it as I wrote on: 2018: Life is Beautiful. Beforehand, I learned that being honest and truthful to our self is the most scarying stair we often avoid to but we must step up.

As we get older, we are forced to be able to deal with our self in every single task. We should feel comfortable first with everything we have and then start trusting what our self are capable of. Remember, only the capable ones. I know I'm getting frustrated easily if I cannot find any travel mate in the end of the day or am disappointed by a trusted person. But, those are out of my control, right? So, let it be. Let things flow as the universe works. Solitude gave me a good time to recognize the emotion that appears and the important one, what I truly felt toward things.

The solitude journey continued to 2019. The quiet atmosphere has created a space where I could think clearer and appreciate people who were sincerely present at the moment, for example my parents. One day, I asked them to have dinner outside because today was payday. We tried Bakso Boedjangan that just opened in Bekasi. They loved it so much. Now it becomes a monthly activity for us. While eating, we did chat and, honestly, it's a good chance to chat more often with them like this.

One Friday night, I asked my friends to hang out, but unfortunately nobody were available. On the way to home, a thought of my parents popped up. I then called my mom and asked to eat out in our favorite place. She was so excited right away. An excitement on her voice made me realize that sometimes we put attention to people we think they deserve our times while the most deserved one is actually near us.

Another lesson I gained is that we are often trapped by thoughts, assumptions or labeling created by our own. For example, I assumed my best friend will be there, in my hard times. Because that's what best friend is for, right? But, you know, I'm wrong. It's just me projecting in advance what the ideal condition should be. Throughout the process, I learned that anyone can be an impromptu-best-friend at unexpected times in our lives. A person we never think of. A person we are not close to. It can be an old friend, former colleague, friend from community, sport buddy, taxi driver, someone we just met, abang cilok, or anyone. When life gets hard, they might show up to help. I call them invisible angels.



Pursue what makes you replenished

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